


it's not that complicated

by purelyrenjun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Embarrassment, F/M, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Trauma, figuring out sexuality
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-18
Updated: 2019-06-18
Packaged: 2020-05-14 03:14:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19264792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/purelyrenjun/pseuds/purelyrenjun
Summary: That boy was a mistery to Mark. How could he get caught kissing a boy, after a football match, at the back of the school and not get beaten up?





	it's not that complicated

**Author's Note:**

> please beware it's really sad and it could be triggering for some people!   
> but besides that, enjoy.

Growing up as gay in a Christian, very strict and closeted environment was scary for Mark. Everywhere he went he had to put up a façade, it almost felt like he was just playing a role in a movie and he couldn’t run away from it or at least get a break. It was tiring, not being able to be himself. Most of his free days he would just spend sleeping, because his brain couldn’t process the whole thing. He didn’t have friends, because how could he call strangers that never really knew who he was, friends? 

It was sad, really, when his friends started partying and drinking, he stayed at home studying and taking care of his younger siblings And it’s not that he hated children, but he wished he could just live a free life, not caring about anything and let himself be whoever he wanted to be.

And you see, Mark blames everything on puberty. It was the cause everything started going downhill. At first he ignored he blush that covered his cheeks every time his friend would joke around about the ‘gay people’, the ‘weird ones’. He felt the embarrassment flood his whole body, but he just couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t take off his perfectly created mask. With time, the ‘creeps’ became ‘disgusting fags’ and just pushing their shoulder in the school hall, became kicking their stomaches until they threw up, behind trashcans in some dark alleys. It was such a traumatic experience for Mark that even thinking about the word ‘gay’ made him feel sick and dizzy. He was deeply terrified of being even slightly unperfect that he started doing everything his heart told him not to.

He started working out, which for his artistic and calm soul was painful and tiring. Every day he would go to the gym his cousin owned, and work out till he was exhausted and shaking. He decided to eat food that could help loose weight and look more masculine, which taste made him feel sick. Then he threw away old clothes and bough a bunch of ugly sweatpants and tank tops that he absolutely hated, but forced himself to wear. Nobody was concerned, because it was just what boys did his age, it was normal and Mark horribly wanted to be normal. To fit the normal standard and don’t stand out. Because only fags were skinny and girly.

 

San Jieun was his first girlfriend. Tall, with beautiful, long, black hair and golden eyes. Her smile was wide and sincere, which brought so many happiness to the world that it was impossible to not like her. Her voice was smooth and calming, just like honey, and Mark could swear she was glowing. Like she had a angel halo around her head, it was amazing. 

And scared, sixteen year old Mark tried, so hard, to fall in love. To feel the butterflies in his stomach when she laughed, or to get goosebumps when she kissed him with her plump and pink lips. He was desperately holding onto her like she was some kind of last hope he had, but no matter how much he was forcing himself to feel something, there was none.

 

Then came Ryesul, Yunji and even Yoonmi who was the class president, but every time he didn’t feel anything. Not even a blush or excitement when they were together. After a while his mind was full on guilt, and he felt like he was using those poor girls, it was never his intent. Which made him think of the worst things, until he met Jeno. 

 

The Lee Jeno.

 

That boy was a mistery to Mark, how he could just freely walk around with nail polish and crop tops to school without feeling embarrassed? How could he dye his hair blonde and not get laughed at by people at school? How could he get caught kissing a boy after a football match at the back of the school and not get beaten up?

 

Mark could only wonder why everyone liked Jeno. He had so many friends, went on so many parties and trips. Despite his looks he had friends in the baseball team, where people were known for being really homophobic and aggressive. Of course, he was very handsome and his jokes were hilarious, but what was different about him and people Mark’s friends bullied few years ago? 

 

“How come everyone likes you when you’re gay? Like uh, isn’t that a bad thing? Yanno, not normal and stuff?” Mark asked him casually one time in math class, where they sat together. He tried to hide his shaking hands and he kept reminding himself in his head to breathe, because fainting in front of Lee Jeno was beyond embarrassing.

 

But Jeno just smiled with his precious, beautiful smile and said, “It’s really not that complicated”

**Author's Note:**

> hello, its been a long time since i wrote something and im trying to do it more often now.   
> really sorry its so sad but i had to let out some feelings, also happy pride month!


End file.
